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move over, Jeremy Clarkson

The future of car commentary is Ling Valentine, owner of Ling's Cars, which I visited after seeing her spam message*, subject heading "I am Ling Chinese Human Female UK Car Expert". I liked how she'd specified that she was human (I am human not robot! is repeated often enough on her website to make one suspicious) so checked it out. I don't normally look at pictures in spam, but "This is my Chinese Nuclear Rocket Truck 6x6 7.0 V8, I park it next to A1(M) at Darlington" was kind of irresistible. What a good choice! I also get to see the chinese junk food she brings you ("There is no free lunch - YES THERE IS! I bring you free lunch. Nowhere else give you this offer!") and her head on top of dalek ("Who is Jeremy Clarkson? I exterminate! I test drive cars myself to give you idea of quality and speed. What else you need to know?") Her site has everything -- beautiful poetry from readers! Nuclear rocket truck stuck in mud movie! Free t-shirts! Favourite moment -- from her Rocket Truck Build diary, when she finds out she is actually adapting an old decontamination vehicle -- "Here is how I test radiation... 1) Breaking egg of chicken on truck mudguard. 2) Egg not cook so Alpha levels OK. 3) Chicken with 3 legs not grow so Gamma levels OK. 4) Truck OK, not hot despite nuclear decon use."

*And not sent to the usual address. I wonder, has she sent it to everyone in the UK called Jeremy?

Comments

( 13 worms — Feed the birds )
peteyoung
17th May, 2006 11:58 (UTC)
Nice one, that site's a total time-sink. And the speed camera guide is useful and good fun too.
stevegreen
17th May, 2006 12:25 (UTC)
She's delightfully bonkers. The piece on bird flu alone is worth the visit.
smallbeasts
17th May, 2006 11:59 (UTC)
Maybe ling_valentine herself will turn up here, as she did for me.

cleanskies
17th May, 2006 12:50 (UTC)
she certainly does work hard!
buddleia
17th May, 2006 12:02 (UTC)
Ling is my new heroine and pinup girl.
timscience
17th May, 2006 13:07 (UTC)
That site is genius.
badasstronaut
17th May, 2006 15:42 (UTC)
We laughed a lot at that. My Katherine web developer says it's the best website evar.
applez
17th May, 2006 22:22 (UTC)
Completely mad! I love it!

Frighteningly poor maneuverability that nuclear truck.
(Anonymous)
18th May, 2006 15:18 (UTC)
OhMyGod!!! I am Ling! What has been happening here? I ask that you are all pretty sensible when visiting my website and do not spit or litter in site.

It is SO nice to read sensible comments! I try so hard to make my site the best I can, and I am glad you seem to appreciate that if no-one dies, then why should we take any topic too seriously? Especially selling cars. Most car salesmen/franchise garages/manufacturers are so up own bum with their brand image and the rubbish they talk about their cars. I try to tell truth!

Often I fall out with manufacturers (Mazda stopped me selling their cars for 6 months because I offend them - maybe it was that I said I was pleased Americans dropped big bomb on Hiroshima, where they make MX-5?) but really, I try to be customer champion. I copy O'Leary at Ryanair by cutting overheads to the bone.

Thanks again for all your beautiful comments, you are very nice people, especially Mr/Mrs/Ms Clearskies.

(by the way, I use a company called EmailFactory in Scotland to send my emails. Sorry if spam annoys you, not really spam as they tell me it is proper opt list. I try to sweeten pill by giving a bit of entertainment back to you alon with free lunch, free money and cheap cars)

Ling!!!
ling_valentine
18th May, 2006 15:24 (UTC)
OhMyGod!!! I am Ling! What has been happening here? I ask that you are all pretty sensible when visiting my website and do not spit or litter in site.

It is SO nice to read sensible comments! I try so hard to make my site the best I can, and I am glad you seem to appreciate that if no-one dies, then why should we take any topic too seriously? Especially selling cars. Most car salesmen/franchise garages/manufacturers are so up own bum with their brand image and the rubbish they talk about their cars. I try to tell truth!

Often I fall out with manufacturers (Mazda stopped me selling their cars for 6 months because I offend them - maybe it was that I said I was pleased Americans dropped big bomb on Hiroshima, where they make MX-5?) but really, I try to be customer champion. I copy O'Leary at Ryanair by cutting overheads to the bone.

Thanks again for all your beautiful comments, you are very nice people, especially Mr/Mrs/Ms Clearskies.

(by the way, I use a company called EmailFactory in Scotland to send my emails. Sorry if spam annoys you, not really spam as they tell me it is proper opt list. I try to sweeten pill by giving a bit of entertainment back to you alon with free lunch, free money and cheap cars)

Ling!!!
cleanskies
19th May, 2006 10:41 (UTC)
thanks for dropping by! your email (and site) are lots of fun!
ling_valentine
18th May, 2006 15:25 (UTC)
OOOOoooooooops, really sorry for double post. I was not logged in (forgot username) first time.

Clearskies, please send me snailmail name and address in an email, I will send you original 1960/70s Mao red book for being so nice to me!
aperrott
18th May, 2006 21:58 (UTC)
Little Red Book
An interesting book which promotes your core values: "Diligence and frugality" (2nd Edition Ch.20). :-)
( 13 worms — Feed the birds )