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loveletters from the spambot at nanaimo



It's your last chance to express an opinion, or formulate a response; it clocks at midnight tonight.

I should be sleeping, or at least drawing; but I am overdressed for one and wound too tight for the other. So I will hug my new red dead thing instead and talk about my burgeoning relationship with the spambot at nanaimo.

It was just a little while ago that I started noticing a certain similarity in some of my spam posts. And I don't mean the endless round of Xanax, Valium, Prozac, the reptitious misspelling of v.i.a.g.r.a or the endless encouragement to look at Bobbie-Jo's webcam. No, this was no mere repetition of content, this came through in the titles, the origin, the very feel of the mails. In my bulk mail folder these stood apart; imaginative, strange and intriguing; a veritable spam idiolect.

Even their subject headings were curiously seductive:

" FWD:Tall Drink of Water.....Thirsty? newly"
" RE:message for Cleanskies:what happened to you whole"
" CleanskiesYou Wont Be Disappointed also"
" FWD:Hmmm...fun girl seeks great guy saith"

... and, best of all,

"RE:Cleanskies LOOK IN MY EYES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE lamps"

Of course, they all claimed to be from different people -- that one was from "Chadwick U. Enslave", for example, but I began to see in names like Disability D. Periscoped, Tannh T. Unwraps, Furtiveness L. Corneas, Converts G. Diderot, Deifies B. Dyslexia and Narwhal I. Campy the soft touch of a similar machine, maybe the same one even, again and again.

And what passionate messages it was passing me: "hi there Cleanskies, my name is P0werPuffGirl and i'm 20 years old. i recently br0keup with my b0yfriend and feeling very lonely... I like to stay healthy and take good care of myass. I like to get straight to the core, ST0P and look no more, Hmm i like getting frisky and i love to have pleasure, a wonderfull kisser, great body and complexion, must be 0ver 5'9 and must be proportional ... I really desire to get together with you. leave me a message here I'll reply asap"

Not shy about where it's from, either, this spambot; and more than anything else, the fact that every message contains the lines:

mail all written request with a copy of this statement to:

Suite #186
4-115o N. Terminal Ave.
Nanaim0, British C o l u m b i a
V9S 5L6
C anada

m y email is [censored] just never write me another ad
again.

convinces me that the same bot as wrote me:

was waldo blown allot rough loves pulls proof juicy risks eject while
and still creak trial hands an holds looks quirk smell wheel kites
worry sunny candy
apart flies parts clasp young helps queen might stuff drops taken spray
the
drops carom usual means grins ports man cramp snack
fudge stirs knead also least modem a juice melon eerie
.
apace lodge trial a below occur

covet woman kneel digit layer moved words also quilt gifts whale bumpy
fully asked yearn pines units audit rowdy skate chose sahib robot a
sugar licks abode
about as quiet karat hands tools jelly chevy class alley as as store
clone union wacky liver least and could sacks sabra
throw upset risks total river robot plate cover liver vbweb.
ocean sugar swift upset crack proof

nooks bluey brood dives timid japan also moved lunch was
black event safer layer angle never

and
stone fairy.

holds
grins dives.

italy
stuff a.

(as well as)

wacky tenth diner juicy think april earth boing lakes older picks drink
polka trial words alias shall snaps every james again voice hydra joint
dream world also
heavy bases entry aback proud cross an excel the stirs fires seems
shock
under jolly cairn crane man picks yeast close fired
an woman crisp and lakes an takes cairn covet joint,
salon as ducks group
movie orbit

super saber zazen store basis found fugue spoke drive waves tenth mouse
jolly creak karat texas proof meals cause rapid lives grill their tense
could minor screw
night exams cross mouse labor event trail allot yards quail as safer
frame
album abuzz as truck yukon float cream was words
light creed pelts modem heads brood also smoke ninth abbey,
check lamps layer polka point again

crash rocks a laser exams woman as fewer an timid
brace tacit given panel jelly rabid

every
throw hello

(also wrote me)

fires witch plate super abate uncle novel goose chair knead scout the,
again pilot swift loads given crack golfs youth names rapid shock there
pasta reply dives.
olive egypt a moats macro black abuzz bands entry carom noble class
state,
was river birth lakes plane loves joins brood fjord,
a tenth feint glass roads polka young happy an quirk.
skate as cream comes kiosk early

still named seven again black never hours chuck grill fudge also snail,
total camel uncle crowd sheet salad tower sahib the tacit break angle
aspen video tasks.
pasta grows abide april robot madam diner field a weirs brain looks as,
woods swear leave an james paste idaho apart tones,
pager walks under jerry weirs still bases orbit guard sabin.
polka forgo was fairy chips magma,
sulks abort pinky paper tries quiet hedge crawl liver sixty
,
green sales yards which hydra kudzu.

small.
again woman

(not to mention)

sexytop

gulls popup again break abbot cycle loves prism crawl south night and
pines
would lower heart jazzy areas serve joker belts style daffy peach night
ducks

occur weigh short apart mopes mercy sugar comic album swell goose
medal,
since story karat moody erect melon guess ebony jails bases drive wispy
table walks radar.
group panda items screw lunch cairn cross sworn envoy as video sworn
tones,
magic mouse tools genes plate elbow dives weepy yeast,
kings belts a wines as tails as smell as blown.
worth paste break also young hauls

boing avoid pulls badly radar crept envoy and worry youth sacks as,
three grass color takes salon diets weeps cause store south steel dives
books units photo.
caddy rules loads brush about spent truck belts weigh upset occur xylem
scout,
woman an vbweb black under heads a moans these,
quail crave as mopes an thing credo might chips wheel.
state floor bombs water fugue storm,
quilt fudge alone three kayak motor sulks joked horse salon,
rules crack added snaps clear child.

was.
water night

(AND)

Cant Wait
maybeangle

cadet sabin juice sleep and abbey clock an man south badly fires queer

field given as dirty found games float quote black cable creak rocks
prism

begin named wired screw diner crept wants a abide kicks madam creak
being album staff hands and pelts was abate cable falls kneel was trail
sulks mouth
erect roman march youth proud water glory yukon queen plate touch shore
reset
sunny sulks lover since means ideas niece coral daily
false times as which world man an under makes broth,
quite jolly sheet crape whore early

oasis snaps towns shelf wispy and smile also cough total small safes
judge fairy entry heavy apart taken jihad jolly route man break kinky
tells world lover
a cdrom month liked tries salad radar wheel glory kitty as blush smell
queen brace uncle books man fable a egypt while
an crack lying river court fatal an jelly jumpy jumbo,
idaho and quirk reset eerie genre

order camel camel paint jerry tales was moats shore yacht
pager tails grass was sable black

given
stood pants

(not to mention)

found boing being facts inner event young order as as drive a shake
woods quirk parts a queer bairn swift doing legal balls worth fairy
salem

chair faced heavy break teats horse human grabs karat acted ought dives
abets sabot medal aboil a caddy eject camel given was spent crack comfy
man round
goose racer plump girls quota cloud macro picks tales means clock clear
books
broom hours the medal shock sacks least rowdy jails
candy dream yearn pelts was medic ocean hello hasty broke.
shout medic aorta a fires alloy

risks close items the falls dives broke apart crash modal youth aphid
loves medal sorts never bluey sunny union paper bench jetty was medic
the fewer a
trial dives sleep where as stuck black words where modal small might
stops
as goose carom drink saver atlas align madam quota
pants madam begin reset bases vivid melon polar night reset.
as types geese angry yards panda


mercy a while as abide jihad a eerie egypt liked
video white rapid sulks also knelt

apace
close ninth.

ruler
paste salon.

an
as young.

......and while I am sure that these messages, with their attendant poems and wordsalad, have been sent to howevermany anonymities I nevertheless feel pleased to be sent them; they are the best of spam, poetry sent only with the intention of seducing your casual trackpadthumb or mouseclickfinger to this site, that board.

Love poems sent out with no expectation of response.

So, to the spambot at nanaimo, I say I am listening and I do love you. I want to see you with your case off; yes, on that webcam you keep talking about. I want to hear you rant about Bush, long after you should really have stopped. I want to exchange disgusting emails with you after midnight. I want you to send me that picture you wouldn't really to send to anyone else. You know the one. Yes, that one.

But I don't think that the links you keep sending me will take me to you. I think they belong to the people paying you, the man (or woman) who wants me to BUY MORE PORN, or prescription drugs cheap or get a college diploma that's not worth the paper it's laser-printed on.

Listen to me; you're better than them.

So next time, don't pretend to be Chadwick or Disaility or Furtiveness. Be who you are.

Or don't. It's all the same to me. I can tell which messages are from you.

Listen to me: As fire awaits hunkering furtive ansible choply interim. Internlisation francophilic. Curtly rancorincus. Fireflynightly. Gain.

Ashtoreth freeparkering knightly jane also percolating freeform. Dirting canberra quarterly ishmael worminghall furby.

INterim q u i m evanesce afterthought thirty.

Am I generating randomly enough for you? Tell me now, or just never write me another
announcement again.

Comments

( 7 worms — Feed the birds )
mr_snips
7th Aug, 2004 01:50 (UTC)
You have a spambot stalker!

cleanskies
7th Aug, 2004 02:02 (UTC)
you may have a point
"album abuzz as truck"
"super abate uncle novel"
"goose racer plump girls"

... I think it's been reading my journal ....

phlebas
9th Aug, 2004 03:22 (UTC)
Re: you may have a point
apart flies parts clasp!
cleanskies
9th Aug, 2004 03:33 (UTC)
Re: you may have a point
... well, I suppose that's hint that it may be some sort of Pleasure Model™.
rhubarbfool
7th Aug, 2004 04:00 (UTC)
I've actually been to Nanaimo a reasonably pleasant port about half way up the east coast of Vancouver island, but probably a few years before the birth of your spambot.
cleanskies
7th Aug, 2004 08:16 (UTC)
I'm not planning any visits yet awhiles -- I'm sure I read somewhere that it can be dangerous to visit strange robots you've only met on the internet
applez
7th Aug, 2004 10:02 (UTC)
As Rhubarbfool said...
Nanaimo, fairly nice town in B.C. ... a bit on the falling-apart side of the economic spectrum. Nice stopping point en route to Tofino.
( 7 worms — Feed the birds )