December 3rd, 2008

2020 lack of vision

learning lessons from the stars

I went for the first of many work christmasses last week -- to a house containing an excitable child and a DVD of Mamma Mia, with the unsurprising result that I've joined the 99.9% of the population who've seen this unholy comedy-musical spectacular.

It also (bonus) contained many useful lessons for people planning a wedding. Move over, Muriel's Wedding, Four Weddings, The Wedding Banquet, and all its ilk. You have been superceded.

Look at all these marvellous tips I picked up!

  1. Don't worry about expensive Bridesmaid's dresses -- just dress up a few old nighties with some wildflowers!
  2. Getting your mum to cook the entire wedding breakfast is not just reasonable, she'll be unhappy if you don't!
  3. Don't bother telling anyone what you want them to do at the ceremony, just cry and say contradictory things! it'll add to the sense of adventure.
  4. If the driver fails to turn up, a donkey is an acceptable substitute. Bonus - it will produce convincing tears from the bride!
  5. Every wedding should feature a coming out scene. If no homosexual relatives are still in the closet, paying an uncle to get off with a waiter is an acceptable substitute. (Bride's mother should pay.)
  6. Hen's nights - if you're not sure what to do, karaoke with your mum in a drag club is always a good fall-back position.
  7. If you're planning on elaborate song-and-dance routines (or, indeed, a ceilidh) check with your venue that the floor is suitably reinforced.
  8. To keep the best man and groom's party fresh, make sure to invite at least one bored divorcee. (Groom's father to pay drinks bill.)
  9. At all costs, keep your father and his friends away from any old acoustic guitars.
  10. Pitch correction really can't fix everything.
I also watched Quantum of Solace, but it was less useful, apart from the the handy tips on entertainment, dealing with awkward relatives and fireworks.