Dear Mr Sir Ian McKellan,Not that I sent it. There's the restraining order to consider, after all.
May I strongly urge you to put yourself forward for the role of Alexander Waverley in the upcoming Man from U.N.C.L.E. film starring Brad Pitt and George Clooney. I can think of no man better fitted to sucking meditatively on your pipe while you send young handsome men in ill-fitting suits off to fight the menace of THRUSH than you, and none who could deliver a more cutting quip to hapless secret agents embarassingly tied up in some supervillainess's dungeon of ultimate naughtiness. You owe this to all fans of Cult television, Sir, and I hope that you will make it a top priority.
P.S. You are wanking as I write this.
P.P.S. Your hair is a really nice colour in your recent publicity shots. Could you tell me the name and manufacturer of the hairdye, or, failing that, the name of the salon responsible?
* Though this doesn't mean they're gay or anything. Goodness me no. There's a sex scene with Beyonce and everything.