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cup of sperm, squire?

Michael Buerk on men: "All they are is sperm donors, and most women aren't going to want an unemployable sperm donor loafing around and making the house look untidy." Poor man, he must be very unlucky with his boyfriends. All of mine have done a pretty good job making the house look tidy. Decorative, even.

Most responses have been a bit knee-jerk, but this is priceless: Ah, so now it seems there are five male traits, and not three, as previously supposed - single-mindedness, reticence, stoicism, alcoholism and promiscuity. Damn them. They get all the best stuff. For those worried this might be a member of the media femafia and therefore suspect, here's word from a 100% red-blooded male: People often ask me why reticence is such a male thing. I don't answer.

... and, while we're on the topic:

Very small study group findings reported as fact, again: Media-friendly biologist Dr Nick Neave uses a study group of 54 to prove women will dump their man for a more handsome model when ovulating, which (given that "the findings made sense and backed what was already known about human attraction") obviously proves women go for money and status while men just go for youth. Just for once, I'd like to see the words "a study group of 500", you know?

... in fact, I feel moved to do some of my own research. It's a bit of a self-selected group, true, but when did that ever stop the Pain Research Group? And you may lie (or "incorrectly self-report" as we researchers like to call it), but what the heck, entire scientific premises have been based on shakier data, right?

And if we hit 54 responses, we may even get our own article on the BBC!

[This is a quiz for ladies and gentlemen, of no matter what sexual persuasion; yes, even misanthropes and total abstainers because flat/workmates count too.]

Poll #553686 What I find attractive in a man

This is what I find most attractive in a man:

lots of sperm
a "symmetrical body"
money, money, money
give me status and power, baby!
youth and beauty
reticence, stoicism and single-mindedness, MMM-mmm
an extensive collection of role-playing games
the look of love in his eyes
crooked teeth
looks good on a sofa

I find these additional attractive aspects also help:

Men, eh?

Fun for a weekend, but I wouldn't want to keep one forever.

EDIT: Please feel free to criticise my research methodology in the comments, otherwise I won't be able to claim this piece of work has been vetted by my peers.


( 36 worms — Feed the birds )
17th Aug, 2005 12:51 (UTC)
Nice. I could add a lot more features, but presumably you only get what you pay for. Or something.
17th Aug, 2005 12:54 (UTC)
I was trying to keep
to simple, top-line results. The headline-grabbing stuff, you know -- 25% of women prefer crooked teeth type thing -- that should rile the dentists!
(no subject) - badasstronaut - 17th Aug, 2005 12:56 (UTC) - Expand
oooh, smat - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:04 (UTC) - Expand
Re: oooh, smat - badasstronaut - 17th Aug, 2005 13:40 (UTC) - Expand
17th Aug, 2005 12:56 (UTC)
I do not claim to be a vet
... though we did once have a v. good looking young Austrian vet where our dogs go, who would take an elderly dog full of tumours and abscesses, blow kisses at it, and go, "Hello sexy!". I shit you not.

Is it not the point that men are ...[searches for right word]...influenced by testosterone all the time while women do get the odd week off from the alarming demands of sex hormones?

Personally when I'm actually ovulating, I spend the time poking my twinging abdomen (usually in meetings too, though luckily my colleagues being mostly male are too oblivious and/or sensible to ask why) but there are times of the month when quite a few people suddenly start looking strangely attractive (instead of just strange like they do normally) and then I know it's the hormones on the rampage again.
17th Aug, 2005 13:10 (UTC)
wow, really?
I don't think my hormones give me any time off. Inconvenient buggers.

I think from the point of view of the study, whichever hormonal mindset most influences your choice of sexual partner is the most relevant.
17th Aug, 2005 12:57 (UTC)
study group of 54 women
I know! It's my pet hate. I may not be a scientist but I have some idea of what constitutes a study group. The Metro is always full of these. My (gold-star-lesbian) ex would turn to me in all round-eyed seriousness and tell me that women like hairy men because they are warmer to hide behind when snow comes in through the cave door. She never found that ironic.
Reminds me of a Jacky Fleming cartoon - "So, as you can see, the man's brain is large and the woman's brain is shaped like a small pram"
17th Aug, 2005 12:58 (UTC)
how do you get
a lesbian gold star? Is it through some sort of test?
Well, in my circles - buddleia - 17th Aug, 2005 13:03 (UTC) - Expand
bah, - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:05 (UTC) - Expand
No, no - buddleia - 17th Aug, 2005 13:09 (UTC) - Expand
(beats self in the general vicinity) - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:13 (UTC) - Expand
*severely* - buddleia - 17th Aug, 2005 13:19 (UTC) - Expand
I'll have you know - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:31 (UTC) - Expand
oh, - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:32 (UTC) - Expand
DUCKLING! - kookymojito - 17th Aug, 2005 14:14 (UTC) - Expand
Re: Well, in my circles - jane_the_23rd - 17th Aug, 2005 13:05 (UTC) - Expand
I'd have to say - buddleia - 17th Aug, 2005 13:10 (UTC) - Expand
oven gloves and tape measures? - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:11 (UTC) - Expand
oh, we'll get enough Doctors - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:30 (UTC) - Expand
Re: oh, we'll get enough Doctors - jane_the_23rd - 17th Aug, 2005 13:32 (UTC) - Expand
17th Aug, 2005 13:05 (UTC)
Re: Question three, "Men, eh?"

Do you mean the piece of skin that protects the precious sperm and keeps it fresh?

Please clarify.

17th Aug, 2005 13:07 (UTC)
that's it
Thanks for reminding me to clarify that.
17th Aug, 2005 13:19 (UTC)
I realised last week that i'm all about the hair pulling and mammoth providing.
But yeah- I was ovulating then.
17th Aug, 2005 13:34 (UTC)
actually, mammoth providing
does kind of appeal. But I bet I wouldn't get a *real* mammoth -- probably just a note on the fridge. "IOU 1 mammoth. P.S. Finished your Olay face cream, sorry."
17th Aug, 2005 13:25 (UTC)
More linky: Flame war on Guardian news blog. Alternately entertaining and exasperating.
17th Aug, 2005 13:38 (UTC)
hmm, yes, well
My original post contained something snide about my salary, but fuck it, eh?

Actually, the line, "He obviously dreads a world where women and metrosexuals share the lion's - or should that be the lioness's? - spoils" is rather fine, isn't it? I think I'll go read the whole thread for research.

oh, and I bet - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:42 (UTC) - Expand
comedy genius! - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 13:56 (UTC) - Expand
ooh, someone's writing a thesis - cleanskies - 17th Aug, 2005 14:03 (UTC) - Expand
17th Aug, 2005 13:38 (UTC)
I just looked at that BBC link. Holy shit. Yes, of course, whenever anyone is attracted to someone who is not his or her partner, it initiates a subconscious struggle with the notion that, no matter who you are with, you are surely 'slumming it' and want to 'trade up'.

I'm really glad that science has disproved love and commitment in favour of animal instincts that, apparently, will usurp any cultural traits we might have. Men! Look out! Your lady may have been subdued by the patriarchy, but, but, but TRIM YOUR BEARD! You can't hide from her UNRULY NATURE!

*runs out of house with she-wolverine sexbeast zeal, humps very symmetrical pole*

Oh, pardon me!

17th Aug, 2005 13:56 (UTC)
you ever read any Dr Tatiana?
Although the topline stuff can easily be mistaken for the usual attention-grabbing evolutionary biology, she does a fine line in looking at how current mores has historically shaped researchers' opinions about what they're looking at, including how current opinion will be shaping her own.

19th Aug, 2005 12:25 (UTC)
Finally, there you go.
( 36 worms — Feed the birds )