Nothing like as exciting as the one I had at the weekend, though, where I got experimentally turned into a small, golden-haired monkey by the mad scientist working for the local Disaster Preparedness Committee and her chortling dinosaur assistant, while a huge cupboard full of the preserved heads of Local Councillors assured me that this was all above board and what the people wanted. Being a monkey wasn't as much fun as you'd think, and I couldn't stop worrying about why the dinosaur had said, "you can consider this to be your colonic" before bathing my head in confusing golden light. Had I misheard? Did the dinosaur not know what "colonic" meant? Did it mean something different if you were a dinosaur?
I had a sinking feeling (not helped by
timscience, who was mostly concerned that I shouldn't blame the dinosaur, who was just following orders and doubtless had a sweetheart and a clutch of eggs to support) that it was all somehow my fault, and that as a Government worker I should have known that something like this was sure to happen. That I might even have worked on the project during the consultation rounds. Probably with a poll that loooked something like this:
Age: I am
0-19
1(3.8%)
20-44
25(96.2%)
45-69
0(0.0%)
70-99
0(0.0%)
100+
0(0.0%)
Ethnicity: I consider myself to be
White
18(69.2%)
Asian
0(0.0%)
Black
0(0.0%)
Mixed
1(3.8%)
Dinosaur
7(26.9%)
Proximity to Flood Plain: I live in
A naturally flood-safe zone
12(46.2%)
A maintained flood-safe zone
8(30.8%)
A regular seasonal flood alert zone
2(7.7%)
A frequent inundation area
1(3.8%)
I am a swamp-zone resident
3(11.5%)
Increasing floods: I am worried about
Compulsory purchase of waterside property
1(4.2%)
Having to move to another area
1(4.2%)
Costs of/getting insurance
0(0.0%)
Having to give up my car
0(0.0%)
Having to live closer to dinosaurs
3(12.5%)
Intimidation by geese and swans
7(29.2%)
Other (please specify)
1(4.2%)
Options: In the event of further floods I would be prepared to consider:
Moving to another area
1(4.0%)
Smaller, more tightly packed dwellings
0(0.0%)
Larger, communal dwellings
1(4.0%)
Floating or stilted dwellings (separate to the existing swamp zone)
1(4.0%)
Flood adaptation (partial genetic alteration, e.g. skin waterproofing, gills)
2(8.0%)
Flood adaptation (complete genetic alteration, e.g. monkey, dolphin)
2(8.0%)
Other (please specify)
1(4.0%)
Any more suggestions, ideas or concerns?
In case you're wondering, the swamp zone is the ghetto where the dinosaurs live.
I've been ill. I may still be a little feverish.
