She's back again, to witter and websurf. So far I've had her going on and on about; how cheaply you can buy viagra online; the sort of men who try to pick her daughter up at clubs; how she avoids being slipped date-rape drugs when she goes out; the comments rugby players make about their daughters when the mothers came to pick them up from their May Day ball; how nice battenburg cakes from the covered market are; how she's a drug user because she drinks coffee; the time her daughter tried to go out wearing hot pants; about her daughter getting hit on when she goes to clubs (repeatedly); how her children have never taken drugs and wouldn't ever take any drugs without telling her (repeatedly); herbal highs (I explain to her what they are) and availability in Oxford thereof; how all the sites she sees on Google are American; the dangers of St John's wort; why all the world is a risk and you shouldn't just sit in a cupboard; the permissive society of the 70s (her non-experience thereof); the horror of her uncle at a family member who ran off to a hippy commune and lived in a menage; how she uses reverse psychology on her kids; how alcohol is a much more severe problem; her attempts to find a company which illegally sells drugs worldwide by typing their name into Google; the best way to lose weight; how every time she asks Jeeves a question it's too complicated for him...

Noon. She hasn't shut up yet.

Looking back over that, I repeated myself. But then, so did she.

Cute. I googled "intelligent beer mat" and got through to the Jeanette Winterson official site. Google does three-word reviews!