The very secret diary of a very important kitten, aged 8 weeks and 6 days
Day 1: Delicious Skin and Furry Chin came back with a box. I knew they would. Am I not the prettiest? They wrote some promises and gave Lady of Food monies. I HAVE BEEN SOLD INTO SLAVERY! Hahaha no it's OK. Omnomnomnom fingers. Delicious Skin! Mum staying but OK, she's being a bitch to me now. Am old enough to leave mum. Am grown up kitten. ETA: Car car HATE car HATE HATE HATE. HAAAAAATE!
Day 2: Huge party thrown all for me! Delicious Skin keeps calling me different things. CONFUSING! Decide please. Fall asleep next to Lovely Thigh at the party. Am questioning sexuality. Am I lesbian kitten? Is confusing being this gorgeous! Speaking of which, Grumpy Pussbag NOT gorgeous. There may have been hissing. I shall prevail, though, for I am smaller and cuter. Also; decided to give up wet cat food. Furry Chin and Delicious Skin tearing out hair! I laugh! Zzzzzzzzzzzz Lovely Thigh.
Day 3: Delicious Skin has figured out my super clever magic pissing style. :(
Day 4: Grumpy Pussbag is being brought regularly to the door of my room. What is he, a suitor? Rude one if he is. There may have been some miauowling. Forgot to say: I have name! Am now Harlequin. Also have mouse, hidey holes, jingly balls, small robot and a squeaky lizard. Suspect Delicious Skin feels guilty for leaving me all day. SO YOU SHOULD! Only kidding prrrprrrprr oooh earrings!
Day 5: Grumpy Pussbag has become more fluffy! Is not possible! Now questioning own gorgeousness. He does look soft though. Friends? Friends? Oh well... Best thing Delicious Skin has is a huge foot massage pad that makes moving things appear on giant screen bigger than me! Best bits are the little round buttons at the top, just the right size for kitten feet. She has a smaller version that goes on lap! Wrong. Kitten goes on lap. Watch me sign you up to google desktop to prove point. Ha! Am l33t kitteh!
and for the four people who wanted to hear from Teasel (meaning one heartless individual wanted to hear from the cute kitten but not the cat), here is:
The Musings of a Mature Kitten in the prime of his life
Day 1: The Betrayer (formerly Comfortable Lap) brought home a THING in my cat box. Is not EVEN a relative! What, they think because we are same species we are all friends? Even BFF Boy likes her. Am replaced! Woe! Woe! Woe! Ooooh treats.
Day 2: Huge Party! HATE parties. Robots out for party. Robots stupid, no self will. Creepy robot that begs for strokes especially annoying. Stop stealing my strokes, bitch! Suspect THING may be some sort of robot although she smells of strange cat. Strange cat in my house! WRONG! Ugh. Horrible day. At least I get to sleep on feet of the Betrayer. Some comfort there.
Day 3: Am trying to grow bigger. Sigh. As I am dominant cat now, I should grow bigger, right? UGH, ANNOYING! I am tiny and cute, you know? It's what I am! Forced to touch noses with Small Annoyance. OK, ok. But NOT FRIENDS! The Betrayer keeps giving me treats. Have to say, she is good for treats. Strange men of the bathroom still here! Was told they'd be gone by now. Aaaaagh. Go away! NEED SOME PEACE. Cats can sleep up to 10 hours a day, you know. Not around here they can't! Not the tile cutter. Noooooooo!
Day 4: Have given up on growing bigger, am becoming fluffier instead. My genius knows no bounds!
Day 5: Running off with flouncy miaous! Giving The Betrayer conniptions! Disappearing to strange places! Sleeping in a huge soft gift bag! Would have been an excellent day except Small Annoyance got out of her room (formerly my favourite hiding place). She can certainly move at high speed, I'll give her that. But NOT FRIENDSHIP! A cat must have standards. And treats. And strokes. And a little privacy. And more treats. And feet to sleep on. And treats!
Yes, yes, I know. But I couldn't really be bothered to set up extra accounts, you know? I already have a journal....