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something is wrong

Superficially it all seems to be going well enough. I've pushed the crises at work back into a semi-stable shape, I've started on the stuff I need to do for my sister's wedding (after which wedding fever will be over) the washing and washing up are getting done, the chore list is creeping down, the coffee machine (thank god) is clean, I've pencilled my next weekly strip, broken the problem with my next chapter (and remembered to take notes as it happened), watered the plants and though I've not sprayed the moths yet this week it seems likely that I'll remember to do that, too.

But, this morning, I woke up at 11.35, when I should already have been at work for several hours. On Sunday Neal called me after noon and while still being in bed was not unusual still being profoundly asleep was. I can't get up in the mornings. I'm trying all the usual things and none of them are working. I turn off the alarm and in a really overwhelming way just can't get out of bed. I usually sleep for 6-7 hours which, I know, is barely enough to keep body and soul together but, really, I function much better if I don't sleep too much. Right now, left to my own devices, I just don't know how long I'd sleep for. So far I've been pulled out at 10, 11, 12 hours, and even then I've still been dreaming, and not even interesting dreams; mundane crap like making coffee, updating my workplan, tidying the floor. That doesn't seem good to me. Not good at all.

And then there's the nausea, and the faint shimmer when I look at signs or regular patterns. And those weird feverish times in the evening. And the new headache, the one that feels like my head is being slowly shut in a car door. And that sort of cotton-stuffed feeling behind my eyes. But it's so nebulous, so hard to pin to down. What do I do? Go to the doctor and say, I feel a bit weird, do something? It's too vague. But I can't help feeling like I missed something important; like when you've cut yourself, badly, but are too shocked to notice.

I'm getting more and more nervous about going to sleep at night. Even though I'm exhausted by the time I go to bed, I'm having trouble with the actual jump into sleep. I keep re-waking with ideas or thoughts, things to check or think through or write down, just do this first and then I'll sleep better, sleep better, sleep better ...

But every night, whether I go to bed at 11.30 or 4, I sleep just the same; like the dead until I'm woken up at which point I feel as if the only way I'll get up is by prying out of bed with a crowbar and I'm so tired of that, of having to force myself up, wash, toothpaste, clothes, make bed, door, bike, work -- these things shouldn't be bashing on my head like a list of jobs, I should hardly notice them, damn it!

Oh fuck me, oh no. The cleaner is about to start hoovering. I really can't cope with that today ...

Anyway, if I'm seeming a bit vague or turned around at the moment, that's why. Sleep problems I know about, but too much sleep problems? That's a new one for me, and one I'm not sure how to fix. Go to sleep, get up. Go to sleep, get up. What am I missing?

Comments

( 8 worms — Feed the birds )
crazycrone
15th Oct, 2002 10:12 (UTC)
Weird Sleep
Have you considered you could be suffering from a kind of extended jetlag? I've found it sometimes takes weeks to get back to 'normal'...Not to mention the daylight savings thing. Time to 'Fall Back', definitely!
e_pepys
15th Oct, 2002 14:40 (UTC)
Dr jet-lag sez
I don't know about the other symptoms, but maybe that could explain the weird sleep patterns. Every time I get back from the States, I feel sleepy and wake up at all sorts of strange (even for me!) hours. It never seems to make much sense - it's not as if I'm still on Californian time or mid-atlantic time but something different every night. It only affects me coming back (ie. travelling east) - I'm fine when I arrive in California.

Sorry, I never found a good cure. It usually seems to go away after a couple of weeks. I hope it's the same (or better!) for you.
cleanskies
17th Oct, 2002 02:49 (UTC)
Re: Dr jet-lag sez
If it were *just* fucked-up sleep patterns (which I undeniably have, right now!) I'd say yes, sure. I think (maybe you have the same) that my body's naturally set to nocturnal, so going to magical Canadaland was a moment for my body to say Yes! Finally! and it's light! ... what the fuck?

And now I'm back home and not happy that the world wants me to work all day. Understandable after any holiday, that one ;)

But, I have to get the sleep thing setlled, so it's back into sleep discipline for a bit. Groan. At least I have plenty of chamomile tea and brandy about the place.
(Anonymous)
16th Oct, 2002 08:48 (UTC)
Are you on medication for migraine? I experienced these symptoms last year when I was put on Amitryptiline. I felt permanently subdued, as though I was doing a not-very-convincing impersonation of myself. Like you, I went from 6-7 hours sleep to ridiculous amounts, especially on weekends. And I kept having those dreams within dreams within dreams experiences.
cleanskies
17th Oct, 2002 02:53 (UTC)
I'm not on the preventative stuff, no --
I've got sumatriptan to take when I get an attack, instead. I'm unwilling to go on the preventative stuff for *exactly* the reasons you give above. Not that I know it'd do that, but I had my suspicions, nice to have them confirmed.

It is at least a bit related, though -- because I can tell I'm not going to get a migraine at the moment. It's part of what I'm missing. Weird.
applez
16th Oct, 2002 14:43 (UTC)
To add to the mix of theories...
Perhaps the changing seasons/climate?

Beyond the jet lag shift, maybe there's a weather shift too? Alberta is notoriously dry, and you're back to Old Blightey, maybe your cells are still making the change?

I'm thinking hereabouts I've had dreadful sleep due to the damn heat ... thankfully stereotypical San Francisco fog has come to the rescue and I'm sleeping very soundly.

Quite the opposite your challenge, but one more idea to throw in the ring.

I suppose I should wish you 'well wakings.'

cleanskies
17th Oct, 2002 02:59 (UTC)
Re: To add to the mix of theories...
Actually, I've decided that a mild dose of SAD's probably where it's at. Mostly because that, at least, I can have a stab at treating. I can't do much about the damp (and gods it's been damp this past week) but I can make a habit of turning on all my ultra-bright lights when I wake up in the morning, exercise, try to go out in the evenings rather than slump, remember to get some outside time in, etc.

Actually, maybe a lot of what's wrong is going from wandering around on shiny mountains to sitting behind a stinky desk. Straight from the Kerouac dream of sitting in a cabin till I've finished my novel to my old world of clutter and chaos. Why shouldn't my subconscious be sulking?
applez
17th Oct, 2002 11:51 (UTC)
Re: To add to the mix of theories...
In that case, a lot of light and a lot of work (which produces its own temporal distortion)!

zac :-)
( 8 worms — Feed the birds )