Jeremy Dennis is Jeremy Day (cleanskies) wrote,
Jeremy Dennis is Jeremy Day

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something is wrong

Superficially it all seems to be going well enough. I've pushed the crises at work back into a semi-stable shape, I've started on the stuff I need to do for my sister's wedding (after which wedding fever will be over) the washing and washing up are getting done, the chore list is creeping down, the coffee machine (thank god) is clean, I've pencilled my next weekly strip, broken the problem with my next chapter (and remembered to take notes as it happened), watered the plants and though I've not sprayed the moths yet this week it seems likely that I'll remember to do that, too.

But, this morning, I woke up at 11.35, when I should already have been at work for several hours. On Sunday Neal called me after noon and while still being in bed was not unusual still being profoundly asleep was. I can't get up in the mornings. I'm trying all the usual things and none of them are working. I turn off the alarm and in a really overwhelming way just can't get out of bed. I usually sleep for 6-7 hours which, I know, is barely enough to keep body and soul together but, really, I function much better if I don't sleep too much. Right now, left to my own devices, I just don't know how long I'd sleep for. So far I've been pulled out at 10, 11, 12 hours, and even then I've still been dreaming, and not even interesting dreams; mundane crap like making coffee, updating my workplan, tidying the floor. That doesn't seem good to me. Not good at all.

And then there's the nausea, and the faint shimmer when I look at signs or regular patterns. And those weird feverish times in the evening. And the new headache, the one that feels like my head is being slowly shut in a car door. And that sort of cotton-stuffed feeling behind my eyes. But it's so nebulous, so hard to pin to down. What do I do? Go to the doctor and say, I feel a bit weird, do something? It's too vague. But I can't help feeling like I missed something important; like when you've cut yourself, badly, but are too shocked to notice.

I'm getting more and more nervous about going to sleep at night. Even though I'm exhausted by the time I go to bed, I'm having trouble with the actual jump into sleep. I keep re-waking with ideas or thoughts, things to check or think through or write down, just do this first and then I'll sleep better, sleep better, sleep better ...

But every night, whether I go to bed at 11.30 or 4, I sleep just the same; like the dead until I'm woken up at which point I feel as if the only way I'll get up is by prying out of bed with a crowbar and I'm so tired of that, of having to force myself up, wash, toothpaste, clothes, make bed, door, bike, work -- these things shouldn't be bashing on my head like a list of jobs, I should hardly notice them, damn it!

Oh fuck me, oh no. The cleaner is about to start hoovering. I really can't cope with that today ...

Anyway, if I'm seeming a bit vague or turned around at the moment, that's why. Sleep problems I know about, but too much sleep problems? That's a new one for me, and one I'm not sure how to fix. Go to sleep, get up. Go to sleep, get up. What am I missing?

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